How To Get Over Yourself and START
I have a confession…
I am so tired of trying to write this first ever blog post, quite sick of it to be honest...because it has actually been 4 years in the making... I know, I know, 4 YEARS to write one blog post?? That sounds crazy. But that’s how long it has taken me to go from first initial spark of an idea to actually, fully starting this thing. Now to be fair, have I been writing and actively working on it all that time? Um no. Most definitely not…. And along the way, the ideas and vision have changed and become much clearer over time. But it has been an idea brewing for that long, and one I have revisited on multiple occasions, each time with progressively remorseful feelings as I always seemed to find reasons to stop myself.
Including the time I actually started building my website, and it freaked me out so much I shut down my computer and walked away…
So. This may not be the post I originally intended, but it sure has become a necessary one. Because the longer I’ve let this go on and drag out, the more important it has become to ACTUALLY FINISH it and break this vicious cycle.
And now that I fully intend this to be the last time, rather than starting from scratch completely with a new topic, and glossing over the initial struggle, I think it is super important to just share what actually happened, despite my best intentions...and finish it the way it deserves. So here we go.
I first had this grand idea for a blog at the start of the year 2016, and I remember that feeling well. I felt excited, I felt so SURE, and felt it very clearly in my whole body, like this sort of calling, that just came over me. This glimpse of something amazing. Can you relate?
Add to the fact that it was New Years Eve and who could really blame me for getting swept up in that?
I became consumed with the excitement and motivation of my new shiny new idea and thought, "This is it! This is the year something incredible is going to happen! This is when everything changes for me”. I felt so giddy and inspired that I quickly wrote out a dramatic declaration on some stationary.
"This year celebrating New Years: It wasn't fancy, there was no party this time, no countdown, or general hoopla to usher it in. And yet, it was my best New Year's yet. A moment where I could feel deep down, a REAL change. Not a hope or a glimmer of what could be, but somewhere deep down a voice, a KNOWING that it's my time. I feel so excited as I write this. It just comes pouring out, like all of this has been bottled up inside me for so long. All this creativity is exploding out of me. Happy new year! and happy new BLOG!"
……..Yeahh "Happy New Blog"......Except that did not happen. Because initial excitement does not always last. ( I know..shocking) It fades and gives time and space for the fears and doubt to crawl in. Or in my case FLOOD, as I found myself second guessing my ideas almost immediately.
And before I knew it, it was Spring.
"Well I can't start this NOW, it's not January"...
How can I start months later when this post was supposed to be about New Year’s!? Heaven forbid!
But then another New Years Eve suddenly came and went, and I wasn’t ready then either. And life happened of course, and before I knew it, one year had turned to more and it just kept going, taking me further and further away from that original spark.
And anytime I did revisit my vision and try to share it with others, the more and more guilt I felt as time continued by with no actual real change.
-Omigosh how can I start this now? I've told all these people YEARS ago I was working on something and I have nothing to show...
-What is my site even about? I still don’t really know. How can I talk about topics that I am still seriously struggling with myself?? And the TECH. I literally have NO idea what I’m doing
-I am an introvert. Common! How am I supposed to put anything out there? I’m not even wired that way. I am clearly in over my head. I don’t know what I was thinking!!
I questioned everything, all my original ideas. I questioned the what. I questioned the how. I even questioned my own WHY. I had no idea what I even wanted anymore or how to make it happen and lost sight of those initial feelings many, many times. It all felt crazy overwhelming. And I felt so scared to put anything out there. I’d beat myself up about it, constantly like..
“Why can’t I just figure this thing out already??”
Looking back it is very clear to me now, that this was fear talking, just rampaging really, trying to find ANY excuse at all, to keep me from doing. And it was succeeding massively.
And to further add to my doubts and confusion, I’d hear things from other people like….
You should do it this way
No, no, no DON’T do that, you should do this one specific thing
You absolutely need a website before you can do anything.
OMG you do NOT need a website when you’re starting out.. That’s a complete waste of time. You need to focus on THIS
Blogging is completely dead.
You need to blog EVERY. SINGLE. WEEK!!!!!
It felt like the longer I had let this drag out, the harder it had now become. Because the more new things there were to consider, the more I felt completely lost….There were so many moving parts and pieces, and so many people doing different things in different ways, and it was like I could not make any sense out of any of it.
There were definite periods that I just gave up completely, feeling like time had passed and it was too late....Like I just could NOT crack the code or make it work for me.
But no matter what else I did, what detour, responsibilities, or obstacles that popped up, and every “break” from my vision and dreams that I took, I still felt this thing nagging me. And it just kept growing. (Like a lot!) To the point where I couldn’t ignore it.
So slowly, I found more and more moments of motivation and redeclared my intentions to myself. I looked up tons of tutorials, made plans, laid out my ideas, and made tiny steps forward again.
And slowly but surely I built up those beliefs and my mindset, I continued to seek out that motivation and inspiration, and I made a ton of Trello boards and plans to organize my life and future projects. And I started trusting myself and my intuition more and more.
As I reconnected to myself and my original vision and started taking the steps to create my ideas, I could feel that momentum. And every time I did, I felt closer, every time I felt that excitement again or that THIS time would be the time I finally, actually, really started it for real. It continued to grow as my ideas became clearer and clearer. And as I started to recieve more clarity I’d feel unstoppable, like THIS time, it was going to happen. This time it was inevitable.
And I just kept focusing on ALL that inspiration and all those ideas I felt deep down, and those feelings of certainty. I knew for sure I was on the right track...
But I kept stalling at the tech, stalling at the process of sharing my stuff, stalling at the part where I ACTUALLY BUILD MY WEBSITE…
And I finally realized something about that, something dangerous.
Because in all my exciting inspirations, and excitement about the future and what this could all eventually become...It’s still all in my head, in my personal notes on my phone and the ones scattered around my appartment. I am still keeping it all to myself. Despite my best intentions...
I’M STILL NOT PUTTING IT OUT THERE. PERIOD
And I still hadn’t finished this post!!!
Telling myself I wasn’t quite ready.
Why? For a whole host of reasons, but the thing is, the reasons just kept changing, and it had become this monumental thing in my mind, and basically a HABIT at this point. Because something always seems to be holding me back. Some fear, something else I think I need, something else “I don’t know” yet. It never seems to be the right timing and I know these things about myself and yet I still succumb to it, and just keep spinning in endless circles, focusing on more creation, more creation. I have no shortage of ideas or inspirations to share, and no shortage of unfinished drafts and songs. I have no shortage of STARTS. But that’s all they are. And what good is that, if I’m never actually putting anything out there?
I’ve only been STARTING to start forever.
And this site is a perfect example. It doesn't matter anymore what the reasons are behind it and why I haven't launched it, the point is I simply that I haven't. And though that has gotten harder to face over the years, (to the point that part of you believes it’s just not possible and you want to give up) it has also made me so much more determined. Because I am over letting that control me. I'm tired of letting these fears get in the way or hold me back. And no, I don’t know what this endeavor of mine is going to be or what it could possibly turn into, and it could be nothing, it could just be me talking to no one! But that's absolutely OK, it doesn't really matter at this point, because the whole purpose now is to just to get it out, to overcome that crazy monster in your head that stops you. Or evil Disney villain. It’s all about just putting it out there regardless, just throw the paint, stop talking about it and just flippin’ do it as simply as you can! It doesn't matter how much potential you think you have or don’t, or all this creativity you have bottled up, it’s a TRAP if you’re not using or sharing any of it.
And even now, I still find myself fidgeting around with the constant editing of this post, so there is never really any end...
ENOUGH I’M DONE
.
.
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It’s just that the drive and feeling of fufilling that initial idea, that purpose has to be BIGGER than everything else holding you back. And that is the point that I’ve finally gotten to.
Despite all my objections, limitations, and head games that I still very much want to play….it feels even MORE wrong, to not see this thing through.
Because i see the vision brighter than I ever have.
There’s a lot I want to do. A lot that’s slipped from my radar, things that I’ve let fall by the wayside but keep calling out to me. And I intend to take steps to reclaim each one.
But I’m starting with this. This little post. This idea. This one calling.
And This is me actually, FINALLY (4 years later but hey, right on time!) starting my first thing, and reclaiming that dream.
So. What will yours be?
Love, Laurel
